When you've been hurt...

When you feel hurt, it is natural to find
something or usually more likely, someone,
to blame. People don't often say, "I'm
hurt," but rather, "He hurt me."

As odd as it may seem to say, the hurt
doesn't come from someone or something
outside of a person, it comes from within.

You might be wondering how I figure that.
Now, just so we're clear, I am not talking
about physical pain, but rather pain of the
emotional kind.

The reason I say the pain comes from within
is because when a person does something,
pain is not inherent in the action. The
pain comes from an inner association and
meaning that we ultimately create.

Someone breaks up with you, and she hurt
you. She didn't hurt you, but the meaning
you might have made, "I'm not good enough,"
might be what hurts.

Someone calls you a name. The name alone
is just a word, but the word may have you
associating the feeling with an emotion
of "I'm a disappointment."

The list could go on and on. The tendency
is for us to take things personally, when
in actuality, the things that are said and
done often aren't personal.

A break up could be because the relationship
no longer worked for the other person: It
was about them.

The name calling is possible because a
personal expectation wasn't met: It was
about them.

If you can see how this might be a worthy
perspective to explore, it may help you
interact with that pain you feel more
effectively because you'll be looking and
interacting with the "right" source.

It will also give you more of a feeling of
control, and will wreak less havoc on your
self esteem.

It is easy when a relationship sours to
find yourself questioning everything.
However, when you are in a relationship
in which you are respected and appreciated,
quirks and all, you can realize that there
is nothing really wrong with you.

Of course, there is always room for
improvement for yourself and/or your
significant other, but when it comes
from a place of love it is much less
challenging and much more rewarding
than when it comes from hurt, or a
fear of being hurt.

Pain is never fun, no matter what the
source, and you will need to find your
way through it. Being unable to feel
the pain may not be an option, but how
you interact with it is.

Easier said than done, I know. But just
wait til you get to the other side.
Things DO change, if you give them enough
time. It may be little solace, but it
may help to know that you're not the first
to experience it, you're not alone, and
you won't be the last.

I am not a big fan of pain, but I can see
how it might be helpful for perspective.
Someone told me that in Japan(?) when
vases are broken, they are mended with
gold, because the crack is seen as a
valuable part of the object.

(Edit: The above came from the following
quote from Barbara Bloom:
“When the Japanese mend broken
objects they aggrandize the damage
by filling the cracks with gold, because
they believe that when something's
suffered damage and has a history
it becomes more beautiful.”)

If it wasn't for our "cracks," who would
we be? Yes, I know...easier said than
realized.

It sucks being human sometimes,
doesn't it?

PS Sometimes the pain comes from an
unconscious association, and that is
when hypnosis can possibly help.
Intrigued? Or think you'd like to
investigate? Let's talk.