On Relationships (and guilt)

Hypnosis happens many ways, and in some ways,
none is so strong as the hypnotic dynamic
of an intimate relationship. Relationships
have their own kind of trance-like pull for
any number of reasons: kids, finances,
emotional co-dependence, family expectations,
societal expectations, guilt.

GUILT. That one is HUGE. It is also in
some ways, to me, one of the most interesting.
Someone feels guilt because they feel they're
doing something "wrong" in another person's
eyes. It could be broad, as in society, or
it could be narrower, as in the person he is
in a relationship with.

In some ways he is OK with what he is doing,
or else he wouldn't be doing it. So he feels
guilty about doing something that he wants to
do. Sometimes unconscious trip wires will
have him do it as a form of sabotage, but
sometimes the dynamic of his relationship is
in some way betraying his best interests.

Sometimes people give up parts of themselves
without even realizing it. It can be done
over time, a whittling away of oneself, and
yet there is a part that doesn't want to give
up. That part can drive someone to do something
to get him to be where he is meant to be.

Depending on the length of time, and depending
on the circumstances, it may involve a level
of hurt for another person. It is unintended,
however brought on by the delay of action that
was supposed to have happened sooner.

When we don't act on something that requires
action, the stakes keep raising, and people
can wind up in impossible situations as a
result. They can wind up feeling angry,
cornered, manipulated. What someone somehow
thinks they should be doing for the good of
a relationship, winds up hurting it, or those
in it.

I often talk about being in touch with one's
self. That truly is the place to come from.
Fear can sometimes mask things. I realized
one time in my life that while I thought I
was facing the fear "and doing it any way,"
I was actually making decisions that allowed
me to skirt the situation. When I realized
that, I was profoundly sad.

I realized I had made many decisions that
I might not have otherwise made, had I been
willing to truly face my fears, and move
through them. Instead, I had unconsciously
justified my actions at the time by believing
that I was facing what I needed to.

I share this because I have been a witness to
many who are in relationships that don't work,
and yet they continue to stay. When I have
been in my tough spots there wasn't much that
anyone could say or do that would have me see
things differently. I might have saved myself
some heartache had I been able to. However,
by going through things the way I did gave me
insights that allow me to view situations like
mine without judgment, and with compassion.

It also allows me to be able to see things in
a way that might be helpful to another, if he
is willing to allow himself to experience his
life differently.

Are you compromising with your partner?
Or are you compromising yourself?

Many will say that relationships are compromise,
and I won't disagree. However, if in the process
of compromise, you find yourself compromised, that
will take away from your relationship AND yourself.

Are you avoiding dealing with the issues of
your relationship in the guise of being loving?

Love takes care of everything, right? Well, yes
and no. Sometimes loving someone means knowing
when to let them go. Sometimes loving someone
means loving yourself enough to walk away from
something that doesn't nurture and love you.

Are you investing more time because you don't
want to lose what you've invested til now?

If this is the case, odds are pretty good you
will wind up investing more into a relationship
that is going to end any way. If your reasoning
to keep a relationship is based on this, then
it is a pretty shaky foundation. Consider that
staying in a relationship is healthier, stronger,
better when you are investing in something rather
than being afraid of losing something else.

Are you using money or kids as an excuse to stay
together?

Same as the last one...AND...children are very
perceptive. Someone I know once said that
children are better off in a one parent household
than being in a household with two unhappy parents.
You may not be doing them any favors by sticking
around. As a matter of fact, if you were to split,
and split amicably, you could teach them a lesson
about love, and respect for oneself and others,
among other things.

If it's about the money, well...that is tough.
However, sometimes we may need to step back to
move forward. It might be better to compromise
your standard of living than to compromise
yourself. It may not be easy, but trust that
you can make it work, and you might be surprised
at what can happen.

We all have those inner voices that want to take
care of us, and guide us...consider that yours
might just know the way, if you allow yourself
to listen.

You deserve to be happy, and if someone loves
you they will either find a way to make things
work for the both of you without compromising
you, or they will allow you to go. There's
nothing worse to holding onto someone (or
something) hoping they will be (or believing they
are) something they are not.

It can create a lot of pain for those involved
with pressures to fulfill unrealistic expectations.
In a case like that it isn't love of a person,
it's the love of what they can do for you/who they
can be for you that is guiding the interactions.
If you love a person for who they are, you don't
try so hard to make them to conform to who you
think they should be.

If your needs aren't being met, the only one that
can do anything about it is you. However even if
they are, never mistake the fulfillment of your
needs for a fulfilling relationship.

Relationships are incredible. When they're good,
they're a gift. When they're bad, they can also
be a gift. So much of what I have come to know
and believe has a lot to do with the relationships
that didn't work out.

I would never tell someone to leave a relationship.
You will get whatever you need to while you are
there. However, if anything I said resonates for
you, consider that there may be some other choice
to make that would be a benefit to all involved
(and it doesn't necessarily mean ending your
relationship, just ending the way you view your
dynamic and how you interact, and finding a new
way to be with your partner that works and is
supportive of you).

You deserve to have someone adore you (and...to be
with someone who you can adore),
don't you?