You can't help who you fall in love with...

I just heard about a couple in New York
that were featured in the New York Times
Wedding Section.

When they met they were both married,
and had children. At first they were
friends, and over time they fell in
love with the other, without the other's
knowledge.

Then one day they felt that to live a
life apart wasn't what they were supposed
to do, and it meant breaking up their
current lives and families.

The wife of the two doesn't regret the
article, but the husband appears to
because of the the big brouhaha that
seems to have developed around it.

Of course many people are upset; it
triggers many people's own fears and
hurts. Marriage is supposed to be
forever - right? right?!

I have seen countless times (including
one in my own life) when a couple will
attempt hold onto something that is on
its last legs, only to watch it crumble
right in front of them.

The reasons for it may vary...children,
finances, commitment, fear of being
alone. Those are some of the more
common ones.

However the reasons for staying together
are as unique as the individuals involved.
The problem with these reasons is that
they often don't align with the heart
and soul of a person.

Some would say if a person had a heart
s/he wouldn't walk away, but sometimes
it is the heart that knows when to walk,
and does. To hold on longer would cause
more pain and more discord, and more
problems.

The article about this couple seems to
be very honest, and I would think that
it might just be "permission" for others
to do the same thing they did.

For some that would be a terrible thing.

However, when we stop trying to put people
in their boxes and start letting them be
I think we will have a much happier world.

When people try to conform to the
expectations of others (especially
Almighty Society) there is a lot of
unhappiness. And don't think the
children in those situations are
fooled. Children can often sense
when something is off from what is
said. If you think you are helping
them, or protecting them, you may
want to think again.

Now...

This IS NOT TO SAY that everyone should
walk away at the first temptation.

This IS NOT TO SAY that every flirtation
a relationship makes.

This IS NOT TO SAY a lot of things that
those who are aghast at this type of
behavior and story would thin I am
saying.

What this IS TO SAY is that sometimes we
need to choose something because it is
truly the thing we need to do, and the
only person who is going to know if that
is the case is the person him/herself.

The minute that outside influences come
into play, is the minute that there is
greater potential for pain.

There is a difference between selfish
and doing the right thing by another.
Disturbingly for some, it may only be
defined by which side of the fence one
is on.

You can't help who you fall in love
with, and not all love needs to look
a certain way. But what you can do
is pay attention to that voice inside
of you that has a calm and inner
knowing of what the right thing is to
do for you.

I promise you there is a very good
chance if you don't...it won't go
away. It will just get louder and
as you find yourself less and less
happy, and your situation more
disruptive.

There are many things that we do for
ourselves that make no sense to
others and we may even disappoint
others in the process.

But in the end, the best we can do
for anyone is to be true to our own
path. There is much more hurt that
comes from denial over a long period
of time. Oftentimes denial combined
with time only feeds the hurt you
were trying to avoid.

As always, I know it sucks.

Much of life sucks, but the more
that we can allow ourselves to
"embrace" the sucky moments, the
less sucky our life will seem to be.

As much as we'd like to, we can't
avoid pain and disappointment. But
what we can do is interact with the
situations that bring those feelings
on in a way that is helpful rather
than hurtful.

It is a choice. Not an easy one,
but a choice none-the-less. Which
is more than I can say about those
we fall in love with. We certainly
don't seem to have any control over
that.

Ironically, I'd say many of us think
of it in the opposite way - that we
don't have a choice regarding the
situations we find ourselves in and
that we do have a choice who we fall
in love with.

I love how we seem to think we can
control the things that are uncontrollable
and relinquish control in the things
that we can affect.

You just gotta love being human!

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