Failure, Success & THE END | On Relationships

In a comment from a previous blog entry,
me-chan made the comment, "While I'm not
one who'd want to see a relationship fail,"
and it made me think about how we view
the end of relationships. It also made
me go look up the word "failure."

Dictionary.com has several definitions
for the word failure, and among them are:

"an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success: His effort ended in failure. The campaign was a failure."

and

"nonperformance of something due, required, or expected: a failure to do what one has promised; a failure to appear."

I find it interesting to consider that
the end of a relationship is almost
always considered a "failure" of some
sort, and perhaps it is. Perhaps it
is a failure to communicate, a failure
to respect, a failure to...

However it seems to me that it isn't
so much a failure of a person as much
as it might be a failure of a function
that supports the unison. It is also
interesting to note that the word
"expected" is used.

Who determines what is "expected?"
It seems to me that "Society" is what
determines the expectation of a
relationship, but pretty much in a
void. The expectations don't often
seem to meet with the realities of
what happens.

Even if the functions experience
failure, it doesn't mean that either
one of the couple is a failure themselves,
and yet that label can - and often is -
applied to anyone who appears unable to
live up to a perceived expectation.

Part of the definition also says,
"a lack of success," success defined
by Dictionary.com as "the favorable or
prosperous termination of attempts or
endeavors." Interesting to note in
that definition the word "favorable."

It is yet another word that has some
meaning that might be interpreted
differently by different people.
Society would say it was "favorable"
to maintain a marriage. However
within that broad stroke is zero
consideration for the abuses and
unhappiness that one might have
within that relationship.

There is a very strong undercurrent
within relationships that say they
should evolve a certain way, and
be a certain way, and like under-
currents, there is a push without
any conscious thought of the
consequences.

Somewhere along the line people
decided that marriage should be
forever. SOME people decided that,
and others for various reasons,
followed suit. It probably seemed
"safer" that way. People would be
less lonely and feel more supported
if they knew they could count on
someone instead of being alone.

The problem in my mind is that
while one might want to think that
that is the case, it probably has
always had its issues. Just because
someone SAYS something doesn't mean
that it is an absolute, and yet we
say things all of the time that
sound like absolutes, and when we
have a change of heart or a change
of mind, there is the perception that
something is wrong with us.

You Promised.

If you have gotten this far in life
you undoubtedly have had at least
one promise broken, and quite likely
more. You have quite likely broken
at least one promise, and quite likely
more. If you haven't, it may have
taken you great pains to keep your
promises, and it may have cost you
in other ways (but that may be another
blog entry).

Those above statements being the case,
making people feel bad about themselves
has never curtailed actions that are
less than what we would like.

People are fallible. People will lie.
People will say what others want to
hear. People will say what they want
to believe is true. People will say
one thing - they think they mean at
the moment - and then have a change
of mind later.

Nothing is perfect, and sometimes we
can dance in the imperfection and
sometimes we can drown in it. The
difference is in how we are in the
moments in our life when we aren't
happy. How do we act? How do we
react?

When we don't know what is important
to ourselves, and we don't have a
focus it is easy to be caught up in
a tide of what is "supposed" to be.

Some might say that that is a selfish
way to be. However, when you know
you want to be with someone, you will
find a way to make things work in
conjunction with who you are at the
core. If you are unable to do that,
then to keep going could be to
compromise the core of who you are.

Is that compromise worth it? I
certainly question that it is. But
I am not you. Only you can decide
if chipping away at who you are to
benefit someone else's "should," is
going to be of value to you in some
way.

As with anything, it is VERY difficult
to cover all of the bases in a
conversation like this. There are
many variables. However, one thing
I do know is that the variables can
become reasons to justify staying in
a situation that has run its course,
and should have ended by now.

If you end when you are supposed to
end, it seems to me to be more of
an end than a failure. To me a
failure is when you keep going to
the point in which there is a break,
and that break comes out of necessity
instead of choice. In cases like that
it is usually much messier than if
the end comes by choice.

If you push something beyond where
it is supposed to go, you run the
risk of it costing you more than
you wanted to pay.

A forced relationship doesn't heal
the relationship, it actually winds
up tearing it to pieces in ways
that are often go unrecognized. The
tears are like the seemingly small
leaks in the dam. And most of the
time those little leaks are ignored,
or not repaired properly while
attention is focused elsewhere and
when that happens, you know what
the outcome will be, don't you?

I am all for relationships that
challenge those in them to
learn, to grow, to be the best
they can be. It doesn't mean
that everything will be perfect,
and as a matter of fact things
often will be LESS than perfect,
but that is the way that we can
and do learn and grow.

As long as a relationship is
supporting the people in it,
I am all for it. The minute
that it starts to deteriorate,
and begins to whittle away the
people in it, is the minute
that some sort of change would
be beneficial - whether it is
to try to work things out, or
to say THE END.

Relationships that hang on
needlessly weaken those who
are in them. Those who are
able to stand up and say
THE END find strength where
they never knew there was
strength before.

I know it's difficult to know
when THE END has come. I have
had my own experience with that,
and it wasn't easy and I had
a few THE ENDs before the final
one. What I do know, though,
is that I tried the best I
could with what I knew and who
I knew myself to be. I gave
it all I knew I could, and
when the final THE END came,
it was an incredible relief.

I have also learned more about
myself when I reflect on what
happened. I don't know that
things could have had a different
outcome, but I do know that I
could have been different, and
with that knowledge I move
forward knowing that to succeed
sometimes one must seem to fail.

I am a better person for that
experience and for what I have
learned from it, and to that
person I will always be thankful
for the time we had together.

My experience with him taught
me a lot about myself and I
became clearer about who I am
and what I want and who I
want to be in life and in
relationships.

For that reason,
I see nothing
but success.