The Complexity of Sex and Relationship

I was introduced to a new site yesterday
call the Secret Society of Women. (It
may not be what you think.)

It is a site that allows women to share
what is on their mind, anonymously. It
is a way of forging a "sisterhood."

I'd also say it is a way to peer into
how SOME women think, and SOME
women's experiences.

I'd say perspective is good, as it allows
one to see the myriad of possibilities,
and not just the ones that seem to stick
out the most.

Many of the men I speak with have wives
who don't want much sex, if any at all.
Those men likely know of other men and
other stories of the same scenario in
the lives of others. It would be easy
to believe that it is only women who
don't want to have sex with men.

On the Secret Society website there is
a forum, and there is one posting from
a woman who is in her 30s and in a sexless
marriage. There are several who reply
to her who tell their similar tale.

Many people get into a relationship
thinking that they know the person
they're getting into a relationship
with, but then it seems that the person
changes. It may be a change, and it
may just be another facet is being
shown at a different stage of the
relationship.

It can be maddening and sad for a
person who feels betrayed and deceived
by what they thought they knew. It
can also be frustrating for a person
who believes that there is nothing
wrong with them, and yet there is an
implication of a problem.

Many of these women even asked their
men if they were gay. While some may
be, and may not be willing to say,
there are men who are just not that
into sex, period. Society isn't so
willing to believe that because the
prevailing message often is that the
guy is the one who always wants sex.

Our lack of willingness to accept the
various gradations of personalities
and behaviors can ultimately create
a problem because people don't feel
free to be who they are.

Communication - which often isn't
the best any way - will break down,
and people will find themselves very
unhappily in a relationship, suffering
and unwilling to leave.

In some cases what happens comes from
the nature of the person, in other
cases it comes from the circumstances
the person is involved in. I know of
a few instances in which a person
couldn't have sex with his wife because
of hypnosis.

Of course, there are other reasons as
well. Some will indulge in porn as an
escape from life, or as a way to
emotionally stay distant, perhaps in an
attempt to stay "safe."

As human beings when we get hurt, we do
what we can to stay away from it again.
As a result, there are behaviors that
happen that aren't always the best or
healthiest. However, there are also
distinct types of personalities that act
a certain way, and it is a part of their
make up.

It may be difficult to know which is
which, however there are some ways one
may be able to tell.

Having said that, communication and
understanding without defensiveness and
attacking are key to working out a
compromise.

Then, too, there are those who will use
hypnosis to manipulate what does and
doesn't happen and how frequently it
occurs. That may be OK, and it could
also be less than ideal if it overwrites
a person in a way that has them feeling
discontent or unhappy.

Whenever manipulating what a person is,
it is important to know why one is being
manipulated that way. If it is done
for the wrong reasons, it can do much
more harm than good.

Some will do what they do without regard
to what it does to the person they're
interacting with. All that seems to be
important is something much more selfishly
motivated.

In any relationship there is a mix of
those people involved. It is a sensitive
and unique mix and when treated with love
and respect can bring some wonderful things
to those in it. An ability to relate and
communicate is also key.

Without these things, what we wind up
having a relationships with no soul.
We wind up with relationships of
convenience that are full of discontent,
relationships with seeds of possible new
relationships that instead of responding
to it on its own merits, will REact to what
did/didn't happen in the previous
relationship.

There are things to learn and discover.
Some of those things might end a relationship,
other of those things might actually save and
enhance one. Much of it has to do with what
is important to you, and what you are willing
to accept, and accept responsibility for.

Life is full of opportunities, many of which
we don't know about until - or if - we go
looking. If you are unhappy you have options,
but I'll warn you that the best one or ones for
you won't always be convenient or desirable.

That alone will stop many from acting on making
a change. I have a question for you though.
What if you could create a relationship that
truly works for you? Would you want it?

If the answer is yes, you might want to consider
that you are doing yourself a disservice by
settling for what you have.

(By the way, I am not suggesting that all this
means that you have to leave the relationship
you are in. There's nothing saying you can't
have the relationship you want with the person
you are currently with...it just may seem a
little more challenging, depending on your
current circumstances.)

As always, there is more to me than might meet
the eye. If you'd like to discuss this more,
or think what I have said makes sense, and I
could be of some assistance, let's talk. :)

All the BEST to you, always.
Isis