"You sounded annoyed" | On Clear Communication

I was speaking with someone today who hadn't
called in a few months, and the silence
started after our last call.

He remembered what we were talking about, and
suggested that my response at the time had a
feeling of being annoyed attached to it.

When he told me what it was, I told him that
I wasn't annoyed. If he heard anything, it
was just my own internal frustration about
the subject.

He didn't stay away the whole time because of
it, but the misinterpretation is what initially
had him refrain from calling.

I suggested that in the future he confirm with
me his interpretations if they were to affect
our communications. His response was something
to the effect to that it was something akin to
calling someone on something, and how no one
likes that.

While that is true, if we don't communicate what
we suspect, then we'll never know if we're
incorrect. To make matters worse, if we act on
our incorrect notions, then we are creating
another level of the issue.

I could have been annoyed, but so what? He
could have also have asked me if I was, and
I could have lied and said, "No." Perhaps
I could have said no out of denial. Any number
of possibilities would have existed, and do
exist daily, with those we interact with.

A person should be able to get clarification
without the other person being offended or
feeling defensive. A person should also be
able to accept whatever answer is given without
having to push or pry.

This is not to say that if someone lies to you
it's ok, however sometimes people don't know
they're even lying to themselves. We need to
be willing to accept people's honest answers
if we want to encourage them to give them. In
many cases deceit is intentional out of a fear
of some sort of rejection.

We also need to be able to say the things we
need to say. If I had been annoyed I could
have said I was, and explained why or perhaps
have apologized, or just said, "I am sorry but
I just don't want to talk about this right now."

We also need to be able to remain silent at
times, as it allows us to figure things out
without the adding complication of bringing
someone into the drama in our head while at
the same time realizing that the drama might
just be self inflicted.

Being able to have an effective conversation
means being as clear as one can be about what
is being said, or about what is left unsaid.

There are ways to say things in a responsible
manner. For instance in the above regard the
person could have said, "When we were talking
about ___, it sounded to me like you were
annoyed by something I said. Can you tell me
what it was, or tell me if I might have
misinterpreted your reaction?"

Or he could have said, "When we were talking
about ___, you sounded annoyed. Did I say
something to annoy you? If so, I wanted to
apologize, because that certainly was not my
intent."

It's like a dance - one most of us never learned
to do. We might think we know how to communicate
because we interact and talk, but sometimes - many
times - those interactions and words only get in
the way of communication.

We don't need to walk around questioning everything,
but in cases where the meaning may be unclear, it
might be best to refrain from assuming, especially
if it means a further break down of communication or
the furthering of a disagreement.

If you're going to get mad or upset or take something
personally, wouldn't it be better to know that what
you thought was true indeed was instead of something
you made up in your own mind?

(You do know how good
at that you are, don't you?)