"What's wrong with me? I should be happy."

That's what someone said to me recently.

He has a wife,
a child,
a good job,
a nice home,
drives a good car,
is reasonably financially secure

From all outward appearances
he has a life that others
might envy.

He looks at his life and wonders
why he wants something different.

He wonders if something is wrong
with HIM.

It's great that he is looking at
himself and his role in the big
picture. Many people won't do
that - quick to blame others.

At the same time he runs the risk
of perpetuating a situation that
just doesn't work for him.

He's unhappy because - despite
appearances - things are less
than ideal.

He wants to make things work for
what might seem to be the obvious
reasons. However, despite repeated
efforts, he finds temporary moments
of OKay-ness to latch onto, but they
are fleeting.

There is more that he is unhappy
about than he feels good about
at this point.

He is concerned for his child,
but doesn't realize that if he
is unhappy, the child likely
knows, and he really isn't doing
that person any favors. If anything,
he might be teaching how to settle
for something less than ideal.

Now, mind you - "ideal" isn't likely
to be found, but when the uncomfortable
and empty feelings weigh more than the
good stuff, it is time to consider
making a change.

In some ways, society is good at
hypnotizing people into staying in
bad relationships for the wrong
reasons.

Any relationship is going to involve
compromise, but that doesn't mean
compromising yourself or what is
important to you. And when you feel
that you are unable to express yourself
in your relationship and have become
resigned, it is time to take a look
at who you are and what you have given
up for the appearance of the "ideal"
life that you SHOULD be happy about
(says who?!).

If you don't, you may begin to do
what many guys seem to do - sabotage
themselves. They want out, but because
they (for one reason or another) can't
say they want out they proceed to do
things that will make it impossible to
stay together - getting into serious
debt, blackmail, emotionally investing
in things that take away from their
relationship, etc. That way the
situation takes care of what they were
unwilling or unable to themselves.

Some people will stay in a relationship
because financially they got it good.
They will allow themselves to emotionally
settle in exchange for the physical
comforts.

There is no problem unless - or until -
that person realizes that there is more
to life and that they're missing out,
or realizes that it emotionally costs
more to stay than it does to go.

Getting to that point is never easy.
One, in some ways, often needs to go
"broke" emotionally to feel like they
can make a change. It isn't necessary.
However, it takes an inner resolve to
make a change when one feels that they
"should" be okay with what they currently
have.

In my opinion, there is no right or
wrong...only what "works" for an
individual, and if this guy was
peaceful about where he was, I'd say
it worked for him.

But since he is not, I have a sneaking
suspicion there is a part of him that
knows better and knows that he deserves
better, and it is fighting to get him
where he needs to be by having him
feeling unsettled.

And...it just so happens he suspects
I am right. But he's just hasn't gotten
to the point that he knows that it will
cost him more to stay than to go - yet.

By the way, I often share these stories
with the permission of those that I talk
about. I believe that there is much to
be learned when a common feeling/
situation/story is shared.

He is not the first person in this
predicament...and he certainly won't
be the last.

If you're unhappy, there's likely a reason
to make a change. If you don't you will
probably find yourself less and less
comfortable in your environment.

I had a situation like that once, and I
know it's never easy - especially when
you feel you've "invested." But when
you do what you need to do for you, the
things you were concerned about have a
way of working themselves out, sometimes
in surprising and unpredictably wonderful
ways.

Make no mistake, sometimes it sucks for
a little while, too - but when you do
what is best for you, you are taking
care of not only yourself but those
around you, and sooner or later you
will likely be breathing a big sigh of
relief. The weight will be gone.

How do you know you're doing the "right"
thing? It's hard to say. However,
when you are disenchanted odds are you
are that whatever you are doing at the
moment is not.

As always situations like these are
complicated weaves. Sometimes others
will think they know what is best for
you. You might even be called selfish
for the choices you make, but consider
that a label like that might also be
a good way to keep you doing what another
wants you to do.

Sometimes being selfish is in the best
interest of those around us because by
taking care of ourselves we have more
to offer others.

As with anything, there will be arguments
and conversations to the contrary of what
I have suggested here. They're all
welcome, as in communication and conversation
is opportunity.

The end of many relationships may appear
to be many things, but at the core it is
likely to be the death of an ability to
truly be able to communicate with one's
significant other.

We may not always agree on things, but
to be able to have a good relationship,
we must be able to communicate about
our differences and work our way through
them. Communication is to a relationship
as water is to a flowering plant.

And you know what happens when you stop
watering the plant, don't you?