On Lying

A few years ago I got into trouble with
one of my siblings. I told my young
nieces and nephews that everyone lies.

As you might imagine, that didn't go
over too well. Although, I was oblivious
at the time.

I saw it as being honest with them. But
it seems you're not supposed to tell kids
things that might justify their behavior.

I don't know that I agree. Of course,
there is a bigger conversation to be
had but often it is avoided, along
with the truth. But they aren't my kids,
so I just had to take my lumps.

I have heard amazing statistics about the
number of lies people tell daily. I
wanted to find the statistic, but found
a semi-recent study that claims that men
and women only do it a couple/few times
a day on average.

The irony, of course, of a study about
lying is how does one know that the
participants were being honest in their
responses. After all, I don't know too
many people who take to lying in a
positive way, even if it is in someone's
supposed best interests and many times
people will lie to look better.

I think most people find lying to be
frustrating at best. I find that most
of my frustration comes from when
someone lies to me about something
that they could just tell the truth about.

Of course, everyone could just tell the
truth about anything, however often the
truth is met with disapproval, disappointment,
disdain, coercion to be/do/say otherwise.

We seem to get trained from an early age
that if we tell the truth it isn't always
going to be OK. Perhaps it is better to
cover up the truth and hope never to be
found out. Of course childhood training
is often not left in one's childhood.

I can not tell you how often in interacting
with men I will tell them something about
me and how I feel, and give them every
indication that what they feel and say is
OK. Of course I may not always like it,
appreciate it, or support it, but I will
always respect it because it is the truth,
and even if I can't support whatever the
thing is, I will always support the person.

I will also always be willing to entertain
a conversation about whatever the thing is
to see if there might be some mutual place
to come to, should there be a need for one.

At the core of the communication is a hope
for respect. I often talk about this word
because I believe that it is a very powerful
concept. It can make a big difference in
how anything turns out. I respect the other
person and the places he goes and wants to
go, and I can only ask that he do the same
for me.

More than anything I want the truth. If
I am interacting with something that isn't
the truth, then it does me and the person
a disservice. I say it's best to give the
person the freedom to be themselves,
without giving them hell to pay about it.

When I find out about a lie it bothers me
more when I have put myself out there in
a way that says I am accepting and OK with
any response than if I had never said anything
like that.

When someone continues to lie to me, even
when they know what I say and believe it is
because they don't believe the environment
to be safe likely because past environments
weren't safe for them. Likely there have been
times that there might have been a bait and
switch, or someone said things would be OK
as a form of manipulation. When one gets
burned, one wants to stay away from the heat
the next time.

The problem often is that people want the
truth to be what they want it to be, so if
someone knows that that version of truth
varies from what it truly is it might be
in their best interest to lie.

Part of the equation is good communication
which, sadly, most would flunk at if a test
was ever given in Effective Communication
101. It is something that we think we do
when we speak, but often words are exchanged
with the illusion of being able to communicate.

No one likes lies, but if they really want
the truth, part of the process is to truly
be OK with whatever the truth is. The other
part is a little more tricky: you gotta get
those you interact with to believe you.

The communication part I got. The acceptance
part I got. The part that is the most
difficult for me is getting people to believe
that I mean what I say. (The irony is that
people think *I* am lying). If more people
would mean what they said, I'd have a better
shot at it. Can't help but wonder what it would
take for people to mean what they say, and
be OK with others doing the same thing.

It might be a shock to the system - but I'd
think it'd be a good one. I can't tell you
what a relief it is for those who do believe
me, and it elevates our ability to communicate.

I know I may be dreaming to think that someone
could actually take me at my word - but a girl
can dream, can't she?