Trying to Make a Decision?

This morning I caught a piece of a radio
show in which a woman was asking for advice.

Her 36-year-old boyfriend had asked her to
move in with him - and his mother.

Apparently he is of a different culture,
and it isn't unusual for there to be
multi-generations to be in one house.

This woman seemed to be wanting some
reassurance that if she did it, it would
be OK.

What she got instead was a negative picture.
She was told that odds are she would be
in competition with his mother. It also
seemed that the person giving the advice
was negatively judging a grown man living
with his mother.

I mention this here because I think there
are pieces of this that are helpful for
general conversation.

First, this woman was doing what many of
us do - looking for something outside of
ourselves to in some part tell us what
to do. As a result she sounded kind of
confused. While confirmation can be a
good thing, what is often better is
internal clarity. If what was being
said went against what she felt, she may
also have gained clarity if she was clear
internally. She could have used the
conflict as a guide to determining what
was right for her.

If she had been asking me for what I thought:

I would have asked her what her gut
was telling her.

I would have asked her what her mind/
others were telling her.

I would have asked her what she dis/
agreed with.

I would have asked what she wanted
from me.

I would have asked her what the worst
thing that could happen if she did
things the way her boyfriend wanted,
and if she could live with the worst.

I would have had a conversation with
her about what was important to her,
and asked her if what was important
was being addressed and if she would
get it in the context that she was
considering.

I would have encouraged her to have
a conversation with her boyfriend
to make sure she had expressed anything
that she felt uncertain about.

I would have encouraged her to figure
out what parameters she needed to feel
like a move like she was considering
would be a success.

I might have even suggested a conversation
with his mother, to get a sense of what
she felt and thought and how things might go.

Depending on the answers, I might have
asked if it was possible to do a trial run.

While we often try to base our decisions
on what we think we know, it can limit
us. While there might be a possibility
that there might be issues if she was
to move in, after she has considered
all of these pieces and parts, in the
end she would never know what the
outcome would be unless she took
a chance.

There was a time in my life I took a
big chance, and part of my reasoning
at the time was that I never wanted to
wonder, "What if?" I knew no matter
what happened I would be OK because
I knew it is what I had to do.

While it didn't turn out the best, the
circumstances provided me a lot of
perspective, and has been helpful to
me and to others, and I can never say
I had any regret.

That was me. That is what I knew in
my heart, despite what anyone else
said or thought.

I would have shared this with that
woman, and encouraged her to find
her own way in a way that no matter
what happened she would be without
regret, and would do the best she
could do to create the outcome she
most desired.

If you are trying to figure something
out, these might be some things that
might be good for you to ask yourself,
as well.

We often already know what we need to
do - we just gotta listen. Asking the
right questions might just help you
identify what that is - or what it's not.

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