He had split from his wife,
but had gotten back together
with her.
He admitted that, in some ways,
he took the easy way out. He
had a lifestyle that was more
than comfortable, and wasn't
sure he wanted to jeopardize
it. He had also been with his
wife for years, so he was going
with what he knew. He didn't
like the idea much about dating
again - even though he and his
wife were rarely - if ever -
having sex, even after their
reconciliation.
He said he tries not to think
about it. That also seemed easier,
and yet here he was talking to
me about it. He noticed that
despite not wanting to think
about it, it was often lurking
under the surface.
He isn't happy, and he knows it.
But he doesn't know what to do
about it. He feels stuck.
I can appreciate where he is -
to some degree. There was a
relationship that I had that I
was in and out of more than once
before the final break. The
reconciliations did nothing to
change things. Words were
exchanged, and maybe it seemed
as though things might be different,
but I think it was more wishful
thinking, and not be willing to
see things as they were that
brought me back those times.
Interestingly, when it finally
ended it was a RELIEF.
And...I wasn't even married to
the guy, and there was no child
involved.
Interestingly when this guy spoke
of his wife, he said "polite" things,
but he said nothing about why he'd
want to stay with HER. It was more
about the child, the lifestyle.
When I pointed this out, he recognized
that I was right. I asked him how
he'd feel if someone was staying with
him because of what she could get from
him. I asked him wouldn't he want
someone to want him for who he was
than what he had to offer.
I asked him if he was really doing his
child any favors. I have known of
situations in which the parents were
so unhappy - but stayed together "for
the kids" - which were troubled and
troubling situations for more than one
reason. Sometimes pretending everything
is OK and staying together will do more
of a disservice to the children.
If two people have a child's well being
in mind when acting, they will find ways
to take care of the child - at a distance.
The key is to have the core desire to
focus on helping the child, rather than
using the child as a ploy (which I have
sadly also seen more than once).
Those who are for "family" will argue
that family comes at any cost. Of course,
they won't say it that way, but they'll
have a family that superficially "works,"
on the surface, but that's it. The good
(acceptable?) appearance of things, though,
in situations like that is at great personal
expense to those who are in the
relationship.
How much are you willing to "pay" to stay
in a situation that doesn't work? To stay
in situations that don't fulfill your
most basic needs? To stay in a situation
that demoralizes you?
If you re-read that paragraph, you might be
able to tell that it can apply to other types
of relationships as well. When you are so
focused on holding on to what you got, you
may not be able to see what amazing things
you might be coming into - if you just let go.
There are no absolute answers, despite what
some may think. What is right for you might
go against what others think is right. I
know someone who says they're concerned for
how their spouse will be treated by their
family if there is a divorce.
This is not to say that the feelings of others
should not be considered. However, if they
are acknowledged to your own detriment, consider
that the value of those actions may be diminished.
Also consider that you are not responsible for
another person's experience of life, or how
another interprets the things that happens in
their life.
Many times when staying together seems to be
difficult, it is easy to look anywhere but
within. The reason for this is that if we
were willing to really look at ourselves, and
listen, we might have to make choices that
rock the boat. Ironically, if you are unhappy,
what you haven't likely noticed is that the
boat is already rocking.
If you enjoyed this entry, please click below:
I'm usually one to push for couples staying together in most cases, but good points are made here for being honest with onesself when you feel something isn't quite right. All parties involved should be aware of what they want, and be willing to communicate with the significant other, and yourself from time to time.
ReplyDeleteAnother overlooked point Isis mentioned is the state of the child. A child can be just as unhappy as seeing an unhappy mother or father, as they'd see their family separating.
I think trying to ignore one's feelings may be the worst way to deal with things like this. Feelings have a nasty way of making themselves heard, one way or another...
ReplyDeleteStaying together might be the right choice, or it might not. I think the key is in the process leading up to the choice. Maybe it's about seeing the value in what one's got, instead of focusing on what's missing. Or perhaps it's about acknowledging that what's missing is key to a happy life. I don't really know, but I suspect the important thing is to both acknowledge and understand one's feelings and desires, before making a conscious decision. But then again, what do I know? ;)
Thanks me-chan and tenker for your comments.
ReplyDeleteConversations about relationships are complex and endless when in the public forum, especially. Some difficulty lies in our attempting to live private lies within a publicly acceptable context that is inescapable from a very young age.
It is impossible to have a complete conversation in just a few paragraphs, but I'd say the point is to keep asking questions and keep being open to the idea that you can find the best solution to a dilemma for yourself which may at times be a a change of perspective (such as a shift in focus onto what you do have) and at other times be a change in partnership (the end of a relationship) with a myriad of possibilities along the way.
In my opinion the worst thing we have done and continue to do is to be resigned about the things that are important to us. If something is important enough to make waves, it is important enough to investigate further.