to talk to their significant other about their
interests, however it seems to feel like a live
landmine.
It is difficult enough to tell someone new about
your interests, how do you tell someone who thinks
she knows you, and who you've been with a while
(and in some cases a good long while)?
If you come out of no where with it, it may seem
like you are saying something is wrong with your
current relationship. People are great with
making things mean things that they don't. And
while you may see nothing wrong with it, and see
it more as a way to spice up things, she may not
have the same experience.
When communicating something, it is important to
be able to consider:
what you want to say
why you want to say it
what the other person could hear
what the other person does hear
For those reasons, how you communicate initially
and right after will likely help to determine
what the "success" of your conversation will be.
It would also be important to know what outcome
you are wanting, and know how important it is for
you to have that outcome. Presumeably if you are
having the conversation, it is likely one that is
very important for you. However, if you are in
a relationship for the long haul what if, despite
your best efforts, your conversation goes no where?
Are you going to be OK with an outcome that doesn't
meet your desired results? If you come from the
"right" place in the conversation, express yourself
in a way that is complete, and have a committment
to your relationship, then the answer would likely
be a YES.
Coming from the "right" place includes "I" language.
Ever notice how defensive you can get when someone
says something like "You never..." Framing what
you have to say in a way that can be heard by the
other person is going to be important for you to
get what you desire.
Do you have to be perfect before you say anything?
I don't believe it is possible for that to happen.
The best you can do is walk into the conversation
as prepared as possible, and be willing to dance
with your partner's reaction. You may think you
know what it will be, but you may be surprised.
Before I was ever "Isis," I was with a guy that I
wanted to explore with. I was nervous about how
he would react, so I did some hinting about some
of my interests. Well...he didn't seem receptive,
so I dropped it.
Come to find out long after it no longer mattered,
he was freakier than I was, and he never wanted
me to know because he was afraid of what I might
think.
I once heard someone give the advice to tell every
dark and questionable thing about yourself on a
first date. If the person was still there afterward,
then you knew you had a potential winner. It's
very unorthodox advice, however it would seem to
me that if something is truly who you are, and it
is something that you would feel compelled to
uncomfortably hide over time, and would keep silent
at the risk of losing something that you have come
to value, it would be a wise choice. Otherwise
you run the risk of compromising yourself and/or
your relationship.
Even if it is too late for this first date advice,
realize that behind the closed doors of people's
minds there are likely to be things that a person
is unwilling to admit outwardly and openly for a
fear of rejection, and the longer those things are
unsaid in an important and enduring relationship,
the harder they might seem to be to approach. A
person may feel threatened by a new revelation,
however being aware of that possibility can help
you to listen for those kinds of concerns and be
able to address them before they are even voiced,
or at least be prepared should there seem to be
discomfort.
Standing on the edge is never comfortable.
However, isn't it better to know where a person
stands? Even if you have that conversation, you
might find out that there is no interest or desire,
but you've said what you needed to, and now you
don't have to wonder "what if...?" You now know.
Plus, best case scenario, you may plant a seed,
or open a door you didn't even know was there.
Who knows? Maybe that person will be given
permission to explore other sides to herself.
Does it seem overwhelming? Maybe it seems like
the elephant in the room - too much to consume
at once. Do you know how to eat an elephant?
One bite at a time. Do you know how to speak
to someone you care about about a previously
unexpressed interest? Slowly and with care.
If you want some specific help, or clarification
on what I have written, give me a call, and let's
see what might be possible. Sometimes bouncing
it off of someone objective can be helpful.
No comments:
Post a Comment