The New Male Sex Need?

In Cosmo (May 2010) there is an article called
"The New Male Sex Need." In it, it suggests
that men who are stressed are less enthusiastic
in the bedroom, and that they need to have their
confidence built up, and their ego stroked. It
also goes as far as to say, "positions that put
him in physical control...help him feel superhuman."

Sex therapist Ian Kerner, author of She Comes
First is quoted as saying, "'Your man may be too
embarrassed to admit it, but he craves that sense
of power in bed, especially if he's struggling
with money or work issues in real life.'"

I won't necessarily disagree with these statements,
however, I think I might disagree to the fact that
they are used in what seems to be an "absolute"
kind of way.

In my experience, there are men who find the need to
be in control in most aspects of their life, and
like the idea that sometimes someone else can be in
control. I suspect it has a lot to do with wanting
to find balance in their lives.

The "need," though, isn't always something that
happens from within. The "need" comes from the
expectations and perceptions of others, and that
is where a problem can potentially be.

I say "potentially" because some men believe that
their significant other would never understand that
they want to sometimes be submissive (or at the
very least want the other person to make the
decisions occasionally in the bedroom and elsewhere),
however there may be cases where that isn't true.

I once dated a guy, and I "hinted" at certain things
with him because I was afraid of what he might think
if I came out with what I was thinking. Flash forward
several years, and I find out he was a bigger freak
than I was, and he was afraid to tell me about his
interests.

I also had a wife of a past caller email me once.
Not a situation I would like repeated, for sure.
What was interesting, though, was in her pissed off
state, she said she would have played with him in
regard to hypnosis, if he had only let her know his
interest.

Of course, who knows if that is really "true," as
hindsight is always 20/20, and who knows what the
guy was truly looking for, and if playing with his
wife would have/could have given him that, but I'd
say it should give a reason to consider that other
possibilities than what have been established in
a relationship might exist.

Of course, that is where communication comes in -
effective communication, and that can often be the
tough part.

Any which way, to get back to where we started.
I'd say that blanket statements about anything
can be at times anything but helpful. I think
the best advice is to treat each person with
respect, and be willing and able to communicate
freely and to come to conversations with those
we care about without an expectation, and with
a desire to find a way to have an environment
in which both partners get the core of their
needs met.

Simple.

Yeah right. LOL.

Well. It is simple, really. We just make it
more complicated with the labels and the
expectations, and our inability to be able to
figure out what makes our core tick, and better
still be able to communicate it. I'd suggest
that it is our fear of being rejected, that can
often get in the way, among other things.

Open and honest and non-confrontational
communication is something to aspire to.
Even if it seems unattainable or unrealistic,
there is nothing more special that we can do
for ourselves or another. Labels and perspectives
can sometimes be helpful, but they can also get
in the way. Consider that your significant other
and you have a unique dynamic that deserves
unique communication.

The next time you read a "blanket" statement
about something, consider that it may only
cover part of the bed.

Until next time.