On Being Responsible

When I sat down with an advisor in high school to
discuss college options, one of the colleges I
was looking at was very expensive. She asked me
if it would be wise for me to go there, as it
would mean a tremendous amount of debt.

My response was essentially optimistic. I figured
when I got out of college I would make "college
educated" money and be able to pay off my debts.
I basically was willing to turn a blind eye to the
possible difficulties.

A friend of mine was looking to buy a house. While
she made good money, it wasn't all that great for
the loan offers she was receiving. She looked at
some of the lenders in disbelief that they were
willing to loan that much money. She easily
resisted getting a bigger loan, although for her
it made no sense to get a bigger loan/house.

Someone I saw earlier on a video was talking about
"irresponsible lending," as he felt that he had not
understood all of the implications of the loans
that he had received for college.

These things, in conjunction with someone I was
speaking to recently about a mess that he has
found himself in with a hypnotist because he had
no idea what he was getting himself into, made me
stop and think about responsibility.

I have often said "just because I can, doesn't mean
I should" when it comes to what I am capable of
doing hypnotically. I say that because there is
a part of me that takes responsibility for those
I interact with. I take that responsibility, in
part, because I am not always sure that they know
what they are getting themselves into.

I wonder if it is partly our ego that gets us into
trouble: we think we can handle it. As a result
we do things with reckless abandon, although it
may not seem reckless to us at the time. In
addition, I should add that maybe sometimes how
we do things in ignorance can be a good thing,
however, I am thinking more of those times that
we may come up short/disgruntled.

All responsibility could be placed on those who
are making the decision: Hey, it isn't my fault.
He wanted to do it. I just gave him what he
asked for. Now he has to pay the consequences.
Don't blame me.

Of course, the person who did the thing could
turn around and say the person/institution did
them wrong because the person/institution was
being irresponsible with their resource and
knowledge. After all, shouldn't they have told
me not to do it/prohibited it from happening?

I would say that if we had a world in which people
took responsibility for themselves AND others we
would have situations in which a well meaning person
like my counselor would be listened to and advice
based in a place that made some sort of sense might
be heeded. Not that she would have been right, but
rather my ego wouldn't have been so quick to deflect.

Of course, any situation can be carved out the way
the carver wants to create it. However, we don't
have to agree with their assessment. My advisor
could have had an interest in me borrowing, in which
case she could have made a different case. It would be
wise to learn how best to listen to ourselves and
be guided by the things that work for us. Sometimes
it may be perfectly logical, and sometimes it may
make no sense at all. Sometimes we will succeed,
and other times we may fall flat on our faces.

Even a failure can be a good thing, as it could lay
the foundation to a future success. So maybe the
point isn't to avoid failure - which creates a need
for us to deny responsibility - but rather to stop
being swayed by another's tide, and reacting to our
ego's need to be right all of the time.

At the same time, we can share what we know and
hope that if we truly think we have something of
value that people should be listening to that they
will listen, and hope that when they speak, we have
the ears to hear if it would be to our benefit to
listen.

If we are responsible or irresponsible in relation
to others, it will not mean that we are responsible
FOR them. In the same way that others can be
responsible or irresponsible in relation to us,
they are not responsible FOR us.
(I am speaking about the average adult here, and
not the disabled or young or anyone who is unable
to make decision for themselves and take care of
themselves).

To believe that anyone is responsible for us is to
give ourselves up to another. That might just be OK,
but at the same time it is best to be careful whose
hands we give ourselves over to whether it be the
baker, the banker or the candlestick maker.

After all, even those with the best of intentions have
moments that are less than stellar. While it may be
more complicated than most likely want it to be, in
some ways it can't be more simple. Get what info you
can, be as informed as you can, trust your gut, and
be careful who you give your trust to. All of those
pieces are in your hands. To deny or ignore any of
them and you really only have yourself to blame, if
you feel the need to blame anyone.

What if you do all of those things, and things don't
work out? Consider that maybe there was a lesson to
be learned, or it was just one of those life moments
that just sucked. You can blame someone else - the
courts are full of cases like that - but what good
is that going to do, really?

This is a tough topic which I don't think I can cover
in totality in just a few paragraphs. One might think
that I never think someone should be held responsible
for their actions. I would hope that isn't the case,
however, if you happen to think that, please know that
this is more about a discussion that I think is a good
and healthy one to have as we go about living our lives.
I think it is also one that has been distorted many
times over in many levels of our world and culture.

There are no easy answers or quick fixes, but the
the quality of the answers we get is often dictated
by the quality of questions we ask. Questions are
often more important that the answers. When we
place blame, we often stop asking the questions
that we need to move forward.

Walking around blaming others for things that don't
work out just ain't gonna cut it for the long run.
It is when people and organizations take
responsibility - instead of place blame - that we
are able to effect change, which can ultimately mean
a better world for us individually and our culture
as a whole.

Ok...so that is what I say. What say ye? I welcome
your contribution to this important and difficult
conversation. I have tried my best to communicate a
few thoughts here - which isn't always easy with a
loaded topic like this - and if you have any that
could help me to clarify/amend what I have said, it
would be appreciated.

Have a great weekend.

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