The Reward of Communication

Last night I caught a show called "Plain Jane."

It was a show that took a woman who was
a "Plain Jane" and made her up, so she
could go meet with a guy that didn't
know that she liked him more than a friend.

She was used to being "one of the boys,"
and she was taken through some activities
to bring out the confident and sexy woman
inside.

What is the most interesting thing to me
about the show and its outcome is that the
guy she had been friends with for 6 years
admitted to her that he had had a crush
on her, but he never said anything. That
is, until she came out and told him how
she felt.

While he thought she looked beautiful, he
still liked her before her transformation.
He liked her without the dress, the
make up, and all of the things that came
out of her adventure to get to the point
of telling him how she felt.

For 6 YEARS the two of them liked the
other, but was too afraid to say how
they really felt to the other.

Interesting how it took her doing what
she did to be able to take the risk of
expressing herself, and to face possible
rejection.

It made me wonder how many things in
life go by because we don't fully
communicate how we feel. How many
times we settle for something less
than what we might have because it
in some way seems safer.

Often I am told how wonderfully expressive
I am, and how well I communicate. The
fact is I wasn't born this way. As a
matter of fact, I used to be very
ineffective at communicating what I felt.

When I think about how I used to be, it
is even a little difficult to remember
in a way that I can wrap myself around
because it is so removed from who I have
become.

If I think about it, it was like learning
a language. When I didn't know the
language - how to communicate effectively -
I was often frustrated and stymied, and
got no where fast. When I learned the
language - and was able to communicate
in a way that I felt I could express
myself and be heard - there was much
more freedom to handle any situations
and my response to them.

I learned that just because I expressed
myself, it didn't mean a single thing
had to change in my external world.
Communication was no longer a means
to manipulate a person or situation,
but rather an expression of myself.

And as such sometimes it worked within
a person's framework and sometimes it
didn't, and it didn't matter which
way it went. I didn't always get
what I wanted, but upon learning how
to more effectively communicate I was
was/am freer than I ever was to be
myself and a lot less frustrated as
a a result.

Just so you know, I still have my
moments, but it is amazing how much
easier things are when you can just
speak your mind. Even as I write
this, there are a few situations in
my life that need me to express myself,
and I have yet to do it.

So realize that it is a process,
and being that it is a human one,
it is likely to have less than
seemingly perfect outcomes at least
some percentage of the time.

So be kind to yourself...and do
what you can. There are no
touchdowns without throws, and
many more throws land short of
the goal than are touchdown
caliber. But every throw counts
in one way or another - even if
it shows one what not to do.

What fun would a game be if every
throw resulted in a touchdown?

Maybe that is why life is as it is.
Maybe it is the challenges that we
face that make it more interesting,
and ultimately more rewarding.

I haven't been perfect in my
communications along the way,
but my fumbles have helped to
bring me where I am today, and
help me to be the communicator
so many seem to appreciate.

As nice as the End Zone is, it
is only a temporary place to be.
Each day is an opportunity for
a new play and a new possibility
to discover what comes from
expressing yourself in the best
way you know how.

Every play has to start somewhere.

And the only place to start is
where you are - now. I can attest
to the fact that when you don't
know what you don't know I might
as well be telling you what I am
telling you in gibberish.

I can't tell you how many times
someone would tell me something
that made some sense, but when
it came to practical application
in my life, it made no sense at
all.

That is...until it did.

Nothing about life is set in stone,
despite what we may think, or wish
for, so while you may not understand
something today in a way that is
helpful to you, there is a possibility
that a day will come and you will
wonder how you didn't get it before.

Aren't we lucky life keeps us so
entertained, and there is no
admission charge! LOL.

As always, if you would like some
perspective, or assistance you
know where to find me.

Have an awesome day!

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When in Rome...?

I was reading an article about how NYC has
a rule about signage being in English that
hasn't really been enforced. However now
they feel it would be to the benefit of
those in the neighborhoods and in the fire
and police services to have the signage in
a way that can be understood by those who
speak English.

It raises an on-going question about language
in this country. I remember walking through
a part of Queens in the NYC area called Astoria
a few years back, and you wouldn't have known
you were in the US. It was (and maybe still
is?) a VERY Greek neighborhood.

Another time I was on the subway, and I over-
heard approximately 4 conversations on my
ride, none of which were English, all of which
were different. At the time I marveled at how
all of these people from different places
could come together in a place like NYC.

I also spent some time in Europe at one point
and was around people who didn't speak English.
While I appreciated those who did, I tried to
learn a few words to be able to communicate in
the language of the land.

While I know there are some who might take
great objection to what I am about to say,
it seems to me that when in Rome, one should
do as the Romans do. Or, in this case, when
in America, do as the Americans do.

Of course, there will be some who will say
they are American, and not speak much English
at all. However, the country as we know it was
founded with English speakers, and has had Englist
as a predominant language for quite some time.

At the core of what I believe is a necessity
for us to be able to communicate effectively
with one another. If I was going to go live
in France, I would expect to learn the
language so I would know and understand
what was going on, and how to communicate
with others.

It just makes sense to me that we have a
difficult enough time communicating with
each other in the same language we don't
need added complications of different
languages.

I am not saying that people should forget their
own language, or stop speaking it, but when
out amongst others, it would be really great
if we had some way to communicate effectively
without having to go through hoops and
legislative and politically correct dances.

As with anything I say, my mind is open to
other possibilities. I just don't know what
they are at the moment, and present my case
based on my own experience and perspective
as well as a desire to be able to communicate
with those around me.

Interestingly, when I was in a Home Depot in
California, I was looking for something, and
couldn't find it. I asked someone for help,
and he only spoke Spanish. I could have
found someone else, but I was attempting to
step up to the challenge, and was seeing if
I could communicate in Spanish what I needed.

I was unsuccessful, and also grateful that
there was someone I could speak with and
effectively communicate what I needed.

As a tool, I'd say language has an ability to
either pull us apart or help us come together,
and it isn't so much the language itself as it
is those who use it.

If those who use language had more of a desire
to be able to be understood by (and to understand)
others, I think we could find a way to make things
work without having to resort to the negativity
that surrounds this topic. When living in the
NYC area, I had friends who spoke Spanish.
Occasionally I would try to speak to them in
their language (to help me keep what I knew and
learn more) and at times we'd speak English, and
I'd help them to better learn the language.

In this country we have freedom, and perhaps it
is in part because we are able to have a common
and understood (well, mostly) framework in which
to work. If we can't understand each other,
how well can it work, really?

I find sometimes that divisions only divide us.
I am not saying we shouldn't appreciate our
differences, but when we come together it would
seem to be to our benefit to be able to find
a workable middle ground, and that doesn't
always mean we'll be balanced. Sometimes it,
like any relationship, will seem to favor one
or the other party. Done right, though, the
resulting balancing act will be to the benefit
of all.

At least in my opinion. What's yours?

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Are you feeling resigned?

Per Google's online dictionary, resigned
has (among others) the following definitions:

Give up (an office, power, privilege, etc.)
Accept that something undesirable cannot be avoided
Surrender oneself to another's guidance

As I look at those definitions, I see a potential
mixed bag of meaning. When one "gives up" it could
be because something else is more important. It
could also mean that the person who gives up feels
it futile to continue what s/he was doing.

There are some situations in life that are
undesirable, and yet there are very few of them
that "cannot be avoided." Many times we may feel
so trapped by our choices, that we thinking they
are unavoidable, and yet what they really are are
things that we have the ability to change -
if we are willing.

To "surrender ones' self" to another could be a
smart thing to do, or it could be a way of giving
away your personal power. Someone might know
better than you, but it's not because they say so.

It would be because you could recognize and
identify something within that matches how the
person approaches a situation. You may not totally
know or understand where the person comes from,
but there is an inner part of you that knows if
you might be taking the "easy" way out (which often
can become the more difficult way), or doing s
something that might "seem" to be a good thing
vs something that truly is.

An argument can be made that one person's
resignation is another's empowerment. On a
superficial level that is likely easier to
do than one that goes to the core and heart
of the matter. You know when you are doing
the right thing. There is an inner peace
that comes along with your choices. It
doesn't mean that everything around you will
be calm and peaceful, but there will be an
inner knowledge that what is being done is
being done for the best. You do know when
that happens. I am sure you've had moments
like that.

At the very least, you have had moments in
which you listened to another, and knew that
you hadn't done the right thing for yourself.

In the end, it is YOU who gets to decide
what is right for you, and what your
motivation is for your decisions. Interestingly,
we will make decisions with our emotions and
then back them up with our logic, so you could
probably make almost anything work for you -
for a time, at least.

One of the best keys for the best chance at
happiness and true satisfaction is to be as
aware as you can be of what you are doing
and why you are doing it. Another one would
be to recognize whether or not something is
truly working for you. At least then you
will be able to tell if you are doing something
because you want to do it, or because someone
else wants you to - or thinks you should -
do it. It likely will also help you to see
if you justifying actions only appear to
serve your interests.

It isn't always easy to look, but when you're
not happy, or feeling unsettled, and it is
more than on an occasional basis, odds are
something is going on that is telling you
to look closer. Perhaps it is time for a
change. You know when you are making a "fix"
and when you are actually doing something
that will work, and so does that part of
you that nags at you. Circumstances don't
always need to change for you to feel good
about things, sometimes a true change in
perspective will be effective.

What won't work? Settling and/or avoidance,
as sooner or later it will likely come back
to bite you in the butt

Someone once told me something about how
compromise is important to a relationship.
My response was that if a person in the
relationship feels compromised as a result,
I wouldn't necessarily agree. If, however,
both parties can agree that it is best to
make a compromise, and really feel good
about it, then yes.

A compromise between two people that leaves
either one of them feeling compromised is li
kely to eat away at the partner affected,
and ultimately the fabric of the relationship.

Fight to keep the relationship on those terms,
and you will likely only have a skeleton after
a while. The relationship will have no "meat"
left. You might be OK with that, but if you're
not, and you're feeling resigned, sounds like
you may have some work to do.

As always, I might be able to help. If you'd
like my help, just ask. Hypnosis can be great
for things like this.
 

On Communication, Absolutes, & Relationships

Recently someone wanted me to confirm
that women always talk about - and
think about - the size of the "little
brain" of men.

While I can't speak for every woman,
I have to say I can't confirm that
statement, and actually have *proof*
to the opposite effect.

I read about women, and hear about
women, that will say emphatically
that "all" women "always" care about
those things, and talk about them.

You may know, if you know me, that
I am no fan of absolutes, as I
believe very few things live up
to their perceived absolute nature.

I think absoluteness lives within
the context in which it is built.
Often I believe that something is
absolute within a perspective that
is built upon someone's experience.

Change any facet of that equation,
and what is considered absolute
will likely vary from what it was
perceived to be.

Having said that, it is important
(I'd say) to determine what your
absolutes are, and if they're
absolutes that you want within
your life.

If they're not, there is a good
chance you may be able to alter
what you believe to be true.
It may not be easy, but possible,
yes.

In my experience one wants to know
what a person's beliefs are in
order to best interact with them.

The other day someone told me that
his wife wasn't so great in regard
to some of what he wanted, enjoyed.

When I suggested that he communicate
to her that things weren't so great,
the "usual" issues came up. After
all, when you've been with someone
a long time and suddenly something
new shows up, there is likely to be
a question.

Unfortunately many people suck at
communication, and for that reason
much is left uncommunicated, or is
ineffectively communicated. There
can also be all kinds of emotions
that come from that, as well.

I suggested that he could say
something like, "In regard to XXX,
I want you to know that things
aren't quite the way I'd like them
to be. I know you're trying, and
it is unfair to you that I haven't
yet been able to express to you
what I need."

By saying it that way, it takes
the responsibility of any perceived
failure off of his wife, and opens
up the channels of communication,
and possibly paves the way to what
he truly wants.

He could stick with an absolute
that said that his wife is unable
to understand or deliver what he
needs, or he could venture into
the unknown waters of communication,
and seek out what it is that he wants.

We'll see how it goes - or if he even
gets back to me to tell me what happened.

Any which way, it provided an opportunity
to share this with you. Perhaps if you're
struggling with something, my words will
give you something to consider.

We think just because we speak we
communicate. Unfortunately though
communication comes in various forms,
including silence, and at times words
can be the least effective. At other
times, knowing how words can effect
the message we are trying to relay
can also be one of the most effective
ways to communicate what we need to.

The thing is, though, it is something
like many things need to be learned,
and there aren't many ways to learn
how to be effective. Not only that,
adults often don't like to fail, so
at the first sign of failure, there
can be a tendency to clam up, and
settle for something less than what
we are capable of - and - likely deserve.
 

The #1 Predictor of Divorce

Any idea what it is?

I would think it likely
would not be a surprise.

Want to guess?

Last chance to guess
before I tell you.

And the answer is...
 
 
 
 
Habitually avoiding conflict

In addition, apparently it
isn't so much the disagreements
that break people up, but how
they are handled.

(I got this information from
Tango, feb/mar 2006)

Given how important communication
is - especially the effective
kind - it is amazing that while
we are taught many things, being
able to communicate effectively
is not among the ranks of Reading,
Writing, and Arithmetic.

It seems to be one of those things
we take for granted and don't pay
much attention to - until there is
a problem. Even then, other things
get into the muddied mix, and
communication itself - while possibly
guilty for causing the issue - rarely
is treated as the cause.

I suspect this is a much bigger
conversation than what is possible
in a short blog entry, but maybe
this info will in some way be helpful
or of interest to you.
 

Miss USA, Words, Meaning, and Reality

Tara Conner says that lingerie and a bathing suit
are the same thing, just different material,
and I couldn't agree more.

The above link is a response to the Miss USA
Waking Up in Vegas pictures.

When I started out in the erotic world,
I had to decide for myself what I thought
would be acceptable to show. I came to
the same conclusion that Tara did.

I figured if someone could see me in
person in a bathing suit, they would
likely see the same thing, as if I
was in my bra. I also considered all
of the ads that I would see on TV and
in print, and realized that what I was
offering was comparable.

Some bathing suits will even cover less
than what my bra does. It is interesting
how people respond to things like this,
and it reminds me of another point that
Leo Buscaglia brought up.

He mentions Dr. Timothy Leary who was at
Harvard in his book, Love. He quotes
him as saying, "'Words are a freezing
of reality.'"

The idea behind it is that when you learn
words you learn them intellectually and
emotionally, and you're pretty much "stuck"
there, as your world gets built upon the
meanings with the use of labels.

So while some people might be OK with the
idea of bathing suits, as skimpy as they
may be, they may take issue with something
that seems to be more taboo, and considered
more emotionally private, like lingerie.

As a child these associations are early
hypnosis, and the people who react to this
kind of thing, are doing just that - reacting.

The problem (if there is one) is that a person
needs to be aware of what associations s/he is
making (or has made) to be able to alter them,
and often that isn't possible, as the thought
and the person feel and act like one.

Whenever someone reacts, it's a good sign some
form of hypnosis has taken place, and some
association is unconsciously being acted upon.

Interesting to consider how this relates to how
we communicate and live with each other in the
world, isn't it?

Deceptive Practices | On Relationships

Have you ever noticed that sometimes a person
who you begin to have a relationship with
isn't the person you are in a relationship
with after some time has passed?

Articles like this one from Cosmo How to
Reach Soul-Mate Status With any Man
can, in my opinion, be a contributor to that
type of dynamic.

What really sucks is that something artificially
created that way can have two potential outcomes
(at least) that aren't necessarily positive.

One is that the guy will feel misled when the
woman gets comfortable, and stops doing the
things she needed to to "get him."

The other is that the woman might feel compelled
to continue to be a way that isn't in her nature,
and as a result resent the fact that she can't
be herself in the relationship.

Our training as human beings leaves something to
be desired at times. Why would we want to be
with someone who couldn't appreciate us for who
we are? A few answers that spring to mind are
ones that build a false foundation, and false
foundations create shaky relationships.

Communication comes in many ways, and I would
think it difficult to communicate effectively
if one is communicating from an insincere place.

Songs and literature are full of relationships
gone wrong, and the sadness of the split. I
have to wonder if people were more genuine
and were more willing to be alone if the
relationships that were created would be
less turbulent and longer lasting.

Something to consider. Perhaps.

ah...communication

This was a cute video, and while it may seem
to be a female/male thing, it is more of a
human thing.

We all communicate differently, and are often
attracted to our opposites. Remember that
the next time you think you're about to fight.

You may have heard something right, but
misunderstood it any way.